“Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt.”
What is marriage but an institution that binds the partners, and unifies their heart and soul into the holiest form known to mankind. How would I dare disagree with the opinion of the most reputed literary intellectual that the world was blessed with? I take a bow, Sir Shakespeare, in agreement with your soulful view on marriage as well as in honor of your literary work that has filled the eternal literary void.
Since you are here, I presume that you are in a dilemma between having second thoughts on your marriage and having the rigorous will to get through all the hurdles you’ve been facing in your marital relationship. I am curious to know if the verse I mentioned from the Shakespearean novel The Taming of the Shrew brought about any change in your opinion about marriage at all?
You might present an argument saying that the verse rings with the tunes of patriarchy and suggests us, women, to consider our husband as the“Lord”. But keep in mind that this was written in the Shakespearean era when men were the bread-earners of the family and hence, the analogy to the “Lord”. With changing times, the philosophy changes and so does our mindset.
What the verse actually means, vis-a-vis the present context is to give our spouse the respect they deserve. And this is well applicable to both the genders. If you are capable of processing the emotions, you should recognise the hard work that your spouse invests in raising your children, meeting up with your needs and leaving no stone unturned to bestow upon your feet all the joy you are worthy of. And what does he ask in return? Nothing but love.
It’s pretty hard to give love though, ain’t it? This holds true especially when you don’t find within you the ability to fall for him, your husband and father of your children, despite wanting to. If it were a relationship, no matter how serious it be, falling out of love would allow you to call it a quit. But since it’s a marriage, you’d want to make an effort and do every possible thing to save your world from collapsing.
In all honesty, I have no magic wand nor a magic spell that I would cast upon you to save your marriage. But what I have is the advice from the perspective of someone whose mind isn’t fogged by the crumpling possibilities of a marriage tending to fall apart and therefore, the suggestion that I have to offer is purely objective and based on an independent judgment.
Begin with an introspection followed by retrospection. In plain terms, inquire to yourself what, in fact, is inhibiting you from feeling a mixture of lust and love towards your partner. If it’s anything based on his looks then all you need to do is practice the act of gratitude and try to find within him the man who you fell for in the first place. Looks are capable of deception. So, try to uplift your soul from the pool of shallowness and admire him for what a wonderful man he really is.
However, there could be some other reasons that are perfectly capable of causing an outcast in the marital relationship. What could those be? Not those that are unheard of but that carry substantial importance in making the relationship a success.
Devotion towards the spouse, sex-life and a bond of mutual trust and understanding are the elements that make up a successful marital relationship. Is your marriage deprived of any of these factors? Are you bothered by a female colleague at his workplace who you think he might be having an illegitimate affair with? Or is the sex-life no more exciting? Whatever the reason might be, things will continue to slide downhill until you have a session of a clear discussion with your spouse about whatsoever it might be that’s making your head spin.
Many might think that doing so would shatter the remaining tidbit of trust that exists in the marriage but it isn’t true at all. You chose to be with him and so did he, for the rest of your lives, so why can’t you muster the courage to talk it out in the open to him? Contrary to your belief, he might actually put in an arduous effort to resolve all your doubts and confusion and bring you from the state of an absolute chaos to an appealing place of silence and happiness.
We do all sorts of things to maintain our mental sanity- be it practicing mindfulness meditation or the yoga sessions. Since we have to make an effort to maintain a perfect balance between our heart and mind, it’s obvious that constant endeavors need to be put between two people even when they’ve sworn a solemn vow of togetherness. Because hey, as I mentioned earlier, marriage isn’t a magic pill to all your problems. It is, on the other hand, a challenge accepted by the parties to make things work between them no matter whatever it might take, by being enticed in the bond of marriage.
With that being said, I have faith that you’ll find a way to make things work and so will he. And with that little piece of an advice, a little bit of a prayer for the wellness of your relationship and a ray of hope from a part of the world I am in that’s unknown to you, I bid an adieu.