I’ve never looked at life and its happenings from the “death point-of-view” and this certainly isn’t something my conscious or subconscious state opts to brood on often. You could say, with the rigorously hectic deadlines of a student life, I stumble upon the thoughts of correlating life and death on the days ranging from occasionally to never.
Writing about such a thing of high magnitude is quite mentally challenging but I’m set to embark on the journey of holding on to this moment and reflecting on the quality of life I’ve lived until now. I was well aware of the fact that having to pen the entirety of life, a quarter of which I’ve lived and the other fraction which I’m yet to explore, would demand me to be in the correct headspace. Ergo, I spent a couple of minutes leaning onto my higher self via meditation. I believe I, hereon, will be able to deliver what is expected of me.
I’ve been writing about life ever since I was in school. Looking back, I now realize that the way I perceived life back then was nothing short of a dream, a fantasy, that I’d have liked to live in the future. The idea of having a “successful” future was fed into my mind every now and then.
My 13-year-old self would constantly and incessantly wonder about tomorrows and the days after. I spent my childhood being outweighed by the weights of my muffin top, love handles and the jiggling thighs which would explode to the size of Texas the moment I sat down. I was quite sensitive towards the comments passed about my obesity and the dark complexion which never seemed to fade even when I paved a way towards the fantasy of the future where I’d imagined things to be perfect.
Upon looking at a few tenth graders in school, the 3rd-grade version of me would practice the virtue of patience that was required to reach there. I hoped and prayed and believed that someday, just someday, I’d be as appealing as them. I’d be a picture-perfect version of what I wanted to be. But never was I ever asked if I was happy on the inside. Never ever did someone whisper the essence and profoundness of happiness in one’s life into my ears.
I turned back today and took a look at the 20-something years I’ve spent living, in a flicker of a second. I was disheartened when the shocking waves of realization crashed into my senses. Unfortunately, whilst dreaming of being superficially attractive and successful on the road towards a fantasy Tomorrowland, I forgot to do something that was most required of me- I forgot to live!
But from this moment onwards, this persistent feeling of failure and living a life being a zilch is bound to change. The overwhelming feeling of self-loathe and patronization is about to turn into ashes. Now on, I decide to rise anew like a phoenix and live life to the fullest no matter whatever the day entails. I make a vow to extract the best out of today for today is a counting step towards tomorrow. I demand my soul to march towards each second of the day with perseverance and a bright, shiny smile on my face, expressing gratitude towards my spiritual self for holding onto me through light and dark, through heaven and hell.
The problem with us, the millennials, is impatience. I watched a motivational speech of Simon Sinek the other day where he mentioned about a young lad who was determined to quit after 6 months of employment. “ I couldn’t make an impact” was what he had to say as an explanation for his commitment to quit. We are always in a hurry to board on a train to Tomorrowland. But what is it worth if life ceases to exist now? The flashback on the deathbed might fill our eyes with tears, not in the reminiscence of the jolly good-old times but in the nostalgia of missing out on life. I certainly wouldn’t want to be that person. The question is- would you?
Adulthood has blessed me with a sense of wisdom. I still have bad days but I don’t let it bring my day to a halt. I embrace the sunlight and thank the higher power in advance for everything. I plan to build an empire on my own forming a network of highly driven individuals who are full of life. I replace the doors of negativity with the doors of positivity. I know my destination but I take each and every step with caution. I take care of myself, my body, for it is the place given to my soul by the Holy Creator to live in throughout my life. I ignite a fire within me to chase the pursuit of happiness. All in all, what’s different today than the yesteryears is, I try to live.
Despite all that, I get hammered by failure once a while. I still have the moment of encounter with inconsistencies which rips my soul into pieces. I feel downtrodden when people have their say about the things that I am sensitive towards. I do nothing for a day or two to give respite to my body and prepare myself to break the chains of negativity.
I wake up the following day like a lone wolf ready to tackle whatever might come forth along the way. I experienced it then, I experience it now. But what’s different between then and now? I am a good human being now which I might not have been then. I take stands for myself and more so, I am not afraid because I am painfully honest. The former sessions of answering back to people upon receiving some hurtful comments have now turned into the sessions of meditation followed by the conviction of not stooping low to their standards.
I am who I am. I am not hiding behind the veils of pretense or wearing the mask in desperation of being a wannabe-someone. I say Yes to life but not to everything and everyone who demand my attention. I am my first and foremost priority. If I am not down to anything, I expect people to respect it. And boy, am I blessed with the most loyal friends one could ever have! I couldn’t thank them enough for their kindness, generosity, and acceptance.
“Now I lay me down to sleep
Pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake
Pray the Lord my soul to take” – Metallica
If I have to hold my heart out to you, the Lord, in this pleasant day of sunshine and you choose to take me into your heavenly land, I’d wholeheartedly want to thank you for gracing my life with your presence from the moment I was born to my very last sigh of breath. Although I might not have achieved what I always wanted to have a grip on by the time I was in my 20s, I surely have become a better person. I have grown as a person and I hope you take bliss in granting me a life. I’d want to take accountability for all my actions, my mistakes. They were made to make me who I am today. I would bow down to you with humility and chant one last prayer for the longevity of life and happiness of my beloved brother, my parents, and my best friends. I ask for nothing more, nothing less.
I desire to be buried, not burned into ashes. I’d want to exist despite not existing. I’d want to be alive whilst being dead. I’d love my family and friends to visit my grave with beautiful blue orchids or golden yellow daisies. I’d love to be remembered, today, tomorrow and always for my originality.
I’d smile and grin and shrug upon hearing how I touched a life or two with a sense of optimism. I’d smile upon imposters and haters too for I have lived with a mind full of positivity. I’d leave behind my profound legacy of positivity for all those with weary souls.
With the dying fire within my heart, I’d want to leave this planet with tranquility and serendipity. And whilst I blaze into the sky with numb, cold feet, I would want Brooke Fraser’s “Love, Where is your fire?” to be played at my funeral. I’d wish upon the last sunrise I’d ever see to shine a light of smile on everyone’s faces whom I leave behind, the worn-outs and the broken. Within the closed walls of the coffin, I’d lay with my arms wide open with all the love in my heart for everyone I’ve truly been associated with- most of it to my most precious possession, yet again, my brother! “Darn, she must have loved him a lot”, some might say. I do!
My soul shall achieve moksha upon reading the words on my tombstone- “I swear, I tried, I lived.” Ever since having the eureka moment of achieving wisdom and every moment thereon, I swear, I have tried, I have lived.
